I shouldn't complain. I was very lucky to have so much time with Colleen when she was first born. And, with the economy the way it is, I'm very fortunate to have a job at all.
But, the truth is, I'm struggling with being back at work. Teaching is a hard job. And up until now, Tom and I have spent the majority of our time focused on our jobs. But now, with Colleen, it is hard to find a balance. Let me explain. Here is a typical school day for Tom and I:
1. Wake up between 5:30 and 5:45
2. Shower, dress, eat breakfast, pack Colleen's bottles, and my pumping supplies
3. Wake, dress, and feed Colleen while Tom loads the car
4. Around 7:00 we leave for daycare
5. Leave daycare between 7:30 and 7:45 and head to school
6. Get ready for the school day
7. Pump at 8:15
8. Teach two classes
9. Planning (which typically includes some sort of meeting) with another pumping session at 12:30
10. Teach two more classes
11. Car duty
12. Pump again at 4:30
13. Leave school at 5:00 to pick up Colleen from daycare
14. Once home, Tom does diaper duty (more about the cloth diapers later) while I prep Colleen's bottles for the next day
15. Dinner and playtime with Colleen
16. Around 8:15, we put Colleen to bed
17. Once Colleen is asleep, Tom and I do school work until around 10:30
18. Bed
As I type it, it sounds crazy. I think to myself, "You must be doing something wrong. Something's got to go. Why does teaching take so much work outside of school? Why can't I get more done so that I can actually relax in the evening?"
And I don't like to think about the number of hours Colleen is at daycare. I know she is safe and even happy there, but it's hard to think that up until the last few weeks, I was with her all the time. Now, I feel like I hardly see her.
And I'm tired.
Most teaches agree that the beginning of the year is hard. It's hard to get back into a routine. I'm just hoping that I find a way to do my teaching job without feeling so overwhelmed and focus on my most important job-being Mom.
This is why I get so angry when people complain about teachers getting three months off. Very few jobs require that much work once home. I imagine it's so hard, too, because you use to put everything into teaching. And now you want to put everything into Colleen. And while it's easy for someone to say, Well, Colleen's more important (and she is!) but you still have a job to do. And you want to do that job well. I wish I could win the lottery for you. :) Unfortunately, though, there's so little you can do about the fatigue. You know that sitcom coming out this fall, Up All Night? My friend, Angel, (who is a teacher as well, with a toddler and newborn) said, "What sleep-deprived parent wants to watch a show about sleep-deprived parents?" She said she's just rather sleep. :) So know you're not alone in the sleep factor. (Especially considering NBC made a show about it.) Just keep thinking of your holiday break. And summers "off." Growing up, I remember thinking how nice it was I got to stay home (unlike so many of my friends) during the summer because Mom was a teacher. But I also grew up with a good work ethic, and strong feminist views, and an appreciation for what we had and what Mom was able to accomplish—because she was a working mom. And there's a lot to be said for that. When I ask Sophie about Andy's work, she talks about him going to the office and making money. When I ask her about my work, she says, "You play on the computer." I hope to correct that in the future but my point is, there are positives and negatives, and the grass is always greener. That said, know that I feel for you and I wish I lived closer and could help. And if you think it will help, I'll call you sometime next week, when all three of my kids are screaming for the most minor of reasons, and then you can think, Thank God I'm at school. :) (I know you wouldn't really, but you know what I mean.) Love you.
ReplyDeleteI think every new Mom struggles with the life (baby)/work balance. I know it is hard and I sympathize with you. Being a teacher is hard. Being a mother is hard. To have to combine them is even more difficult. There are a few things you should try to remember...
ReplyDeleteYou are a great teacher (teacher of the year) and many parents really do appreciate the work you do to help make their kids into competent, functioning members of society;
You are a great mother. I've known since I met you that you have so very much to offer your child. Katy, you are loving, giving, funny, smart and so many other things. You are a natural mother and Colleen will grow up with so much love in her life that she will be able to handle anything.
Take a step back and realize that you are not perfect and no one expects you to be perfect. If one evening you are just too tired to do the extra things you are continually doing for your class, don't do them. You'll feel better tomorrow and you'll do something else for them then.
Rely on your family and your loving husband to provide you with all the help you need. They will be more than happy to help you and helping you will make them feel good too.
Finally, and probably most importantly, take a nap whenever you have half a chance. Caring for Colleen and Tom are the only two things that can't wait for a 20 minute nap.
Hang in there.